


The Sound of Cicadas

by Hidranick



Category: Neon Genesis Evangelion
Genre: Angst, Canon-Typical Violence, Eventual Romance, Post-Third Impact
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-24
Updated: 2021-02-24
Packaged: 2021-03-15 12:02:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 15,384
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29683683
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hidranick/pseuds/Hidranick
Summary: Why come back? Shinji's ultimate decision may seem hypocritical in the end. Now Asuka and him will have to continue moving forward and living with the mistakes of the past. A mountain of seemingly insurmountable odds stands in their way along with a new threat that lurks below.
Relationships: Ikari Shinji/Souryuu Asuka Langley
Comments: 1
Kudos: 1





	1. Prologue:

Disclaimer: I do not own Evangelion. Enjoy the story!

* * *

"The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think."

-Horace Walpole

Prologue: A joke, A laugh, An Unrelenting Truth

* * *

Humor became a necessity in his life. When the ever growing conveyor belt of mundane days dragged on, a good joke could always lighten the mood. Regardless, he never laughed much anymore.

Before high school let out for the day, he stood at the lockers with Toji. A hand clamped down on both of their shoulders.

The two turned around to a grinning Takeda, "Boys! Have I got a good joke for you!"

"Not in the mood, man," Toji growled, shoving Takeda's hand off his shoulder.

"What's wrong? Hikari got you all worked up today?" Takeda turned, "What about you, Shinji? Want to hear a joke?"

Shinji, who had been idly observing the two, shrugged. A joke couldn't hurt.

"Why are guys in bed like microwave food?" He exclaimed, "They're done in thirty seconds!"

Takeda laughed. Toji tried to stay annoyed, but couldn't. Shinji chuckled out of politeness.

"One of these days I'll get you to really laugh, Shinji," Takeda said, "One of these days."

The boys said their goodbyes and were off. Shinji passed by the daily electronic jumbotron on one of the central buildings of The Hub. An add for winter coats of a foreign brand flashed on the screen.

"The eternal winter is here and so are the new line of jackets from…" The cheery voice of the women in the add droned on. It was always like this. Everyday after school he'd hear that annoying, cheery voice, always excited and happy about something he never knew of. Maybe that was just the face the person had to put on for the recording. If so, why couldn't he do that? He wished he knew how to conjure up a happy facade.

Shinji continued walking, shivering under the icy air. Passing by the newspaper stand he looked at the headlines, "Foregin Ministry: International Tensions Reaching An All Time High."

He shook his head. Two years since that day. As if the weekly tests weren't already enough to remind him of that. Damnit. Now his mind lingered too much on it. He felt creeping insecurity prick down his spine. Maybe just the cold. He turned the corner, setting eyes on the local supermarket. A few people in orange scarves walked in and out, the fringes flowing like red hair in the wind. He winced.

Inside he mused over vegetables and other supplies. Misato would probably want chicken or maybe beef. It didn't matter. He cooked and she ate- simple as that. Nonetheless, he was grateful for it. At least he had some semblance of a home without feeling like he was totally leeching.

Shinji pushed his shopping cart along looking down the aisle at the frozen produce. He jolted forward as the front of the cart collided with something.

"I'm sorry," Shinji said, looking up. He froze.

There was red hair everywhere in his vision- a large mane trailing up half the back of a slender body. It couldn't be…

His voice got caught in his throat and he made a pathetic croak. She turned around and looked at him. It was her all right. The hard blue eyes, the soft rosy pink lips.

Shinji gawked, utterly speechless. Her eyes squinted in contempt. She turned around and started walking away. She was leaving, again.

Without thinking he blurted, "Asuka!"

She paused, standing in place, seemingly thinking whether to turn around and face him or continue forward. It gave him enough time to move towards her.

He went to her side, "Asuka…"

What should he say? What could he say?

Instead of turning to face him, she continued moving forward, further from him, as though he didn't exist. Daggers stabbed his chest. His breathing became fast.

"Wait! Asuka!" He dashed after her, putting his hand on her shoulder. Big mistake. An elbow came flying black. Falling to the ground, he gripped his cheek where the hit collided. Time stopped in the store. All the eyes were on him. He could feel them staring, judging. He might have been layered in winter clothing, but he felt like a newborn child, naked and covered in vernix.

A worker in the store walked up to Asuka, "Mam, is this man bothering you?"

Shinji didn't hear her response. He was already out the door, running home, his school bag flailing behind him. When he reached the apartment door, he swiped his keycard on the entry slot and entered. After staying in the main hallway for a few minutes, hands on his knees and panting, Shinji removed his shoes and stumbled off to his bedroom. He threw his jacket onto the chair and buried his face in his pillow. Absently, he reached towards his nightstand, knocking over objects in search for the one thing he needed. Two plugs- one in each ear. He clicked the button and the music started playing. Exhaustion lifted him off to a dreamless slumber.

There was a knock on his door. Shinji peaked his groggy eyes open, "Come in."

His bedroom door slipped open to a red jacket and long strands of purple hair. He sighed.

"You didn't cook?" Misato asked.

"No."

"That's okay. We'll order out. Alright?"

"Okay."

Shinji turned over on his side to face the wall and felt her linger for a few more moments. He heard a soft sigh and the door closed.

The next day was even colder. It was that awful kind of cold where snow didn't fall, and overcast skies howled with nipping winds. Shinji's breath appeared in front of him as he tugged the shoulder strap on his bag tighter.

In class he saw Rei. Her tests were over from the day prior. Not much had changed about her- she sat in her patented gloomy state of otherworldly pondering, her chin resting on her palm, eyes glued to the window. Maybe he should have lunch with her. Then again, maybe not.

The day slogged on through lectures about Shakespeare and other meaningless classes. Shinji always found Shakespeare to be a rather lousy comic. What was the point of a joke if he couldn't even understand the language used? He always thought jokes were funny because he could relate to them. Then again, maybe it was his fault, he was always somewhat lackluster at understanding things.

The locker screeched it's metallic clang as Shinji slammed it shut.

"See you on Monday, Toji," He said.

"Yeah, see you Shinji."

"Wait!" Takeda called out, "I got another one! I promise this will be a really good one."

Shinji checked his watch. He could hear one joke. He nodded his head for Takeda to start.

"Okay so get this. There's this kid and he sees this girl he liked for a long time and decides, 'I want to impress her'. The Halloween party is coming up so he makes his move. He asks her, 'What could I dress up as to get you to hang out with me'? She says, 'Well, I always loved cranes'. He nods his head and waits for the day. He heads to the party, his costume making it an arduous task. He sees her, but when he goes up to her she gives him this weird look. So he sits in the corner the rest of the party sad and dejected. At the very end he sees her leaving and calls out to her, 'I dressed up like you asked me! What happened to us hanging out?' She shakes her head, 'I meant the bird you idiot!'"

A long pause. Toji scoffed. Takeda started laughing. Slowly, Shinji chuckled, a low growl emanating from his stomach. He kept chuckling, picking up pace. Eventually, he laughed and walked towards the door. The joke was too true, wasn't it? He tried to push open the door, but found all his strength leaving him as his laughs turned bitter. There was wetness around his eyes, trailing down his cheeks. He buried his face in his hands and cried.

_To the beginning..._


	2. End of the World/Rebirth

"Cogito Ergo Sum"

(I think, therefore I am)

-René Descartes

Chapter 1: End of the World/Rebirth

* * *

"Do you want to become one with me?"

A heartbeat.

Rays of light penetrated through white, fizzled, ocean foam.

Beneath- the shapes of souls.

Red.

A nasty snarl.

Flesh under his hands.

Disgust.

Confusion.

A fire that scalded his skin.

Source of pain, epitome of hate.

Arms clutched to a doll, tears pooled in the burial ground.

Sadness.

"I'd rather die than do it with you."

Unpleasantness.

Blue.

A blank face staring absently.

Silhouetted on the other side of a tunnel.

Cold.

Emotionless.

Mother of all, but not to him.

A woman who never bled.

Connection to all, connection to none.

Sadness.

"Did you ever try to understand?"

Unpleasantness.

Purple.

Eyes closed, slumped on the kitchen wall.

Words, slurred.

Arms crossed examining him.

Lascivious.

Immature.

Filled with hate.

"Father, where have you gone?"

Wings spread, voices screeched.

Sadness.

"Let's do it one more time."

Unpleasantness.

Then a boy, brown hair.

A frowning face.

An ugly cry.

Glued to his bed.

Stuck in a tan room where time never moved.

Repulsive.

Naive.

Selfish.

Affection needed, pain unwarranted.

Cicadas chirped, water splashed, voice silenced.

Will - gone.

Wept on the train station platform.

Sadness

"I'm so fucked up."

"Don't hate me."

"Let me hear your voice."

"Don't abandon me."

"I should just die."

Unpleasantness.

"What do you wish for?"

And darkness unto silence.

Hollow. That was the only word to describe how he felt. Someone had taken his psyche, rung it out like a washcloth, jostled it against a wall a few times, and then threw it back into his head battered and beaten. Now, his mind was like wind passing through an open tube.

Within the shell of his empty head, his eyes made out the stars glittering in the night sky, distant and unreachable. In all its glory, the moon hung brightly in the backdrop with its melancholic glowing hue while a red haze cut across the rest of the horizon.

Shinji wondered, as he looked at the sky, whether it had been hours, days, or weeks since he was reborn, coughing and spitting LCL from his mouth. Hunger did not eat at him, tiredness did not cloud his vision, all he could do was move about silently, shattered eyes surveying the landscape. He'd enough time to make some lousy grave markers for Asuka, Misato, Rei, Toji, Kensuke, and Hikari. On Misato he placed the bloody cross she had given him before she was consumed in a fiery explosion.

Half of Rei's severed head looked at him, or rather mocked him, showing him the empty world he had to sit in as water crashed against her pale cheek. Her twisted smile prompted Shinji's first coherent thought as he realized how alone he was.

He heard a faint splash and slowly turned his neck to the left. His eyes were hollow with bags beneath them, brown locks a complete mess, and his mouth agape.

Rei hovered above the ocean of LCL, staring emotionlessly at him in her usual detached demeanor. Her pale skin gave off a subtle glow and her red eyes gazed so deep into him they scratched at his soul. Shinji blinked and the apparition was gone, but he caught something red sitting only a few feet away from him in his peripheral vision.

Asuka's plugsuit stood out from the nearly white sand that he sat upon.

Without even noticing his body move, Shinji made his way on top of Asuka. Her eyes were staring, devoid of any life, at the sky. His hands clamped down on her throat. He could feel the softness of her throat under his fingers, the skin becoming warm as he pressed down harder. He was so caught up in his act that he didn't notice her hand had raised hesitantly and gently caressed his cheek. That single act of tenderness brought Shinji back to his senses. His hands loosened on Asuka's neck and trembled as he slowly brought them up to his face and looked at them.

Choked sobs escaped Shinji's throat deep from within his gut. His warm tears fell on Asuka's face, but she made no move to wipe them away. Shinji sat there shaking on top of her, his body suddenly feeling cold.

Asuka mumbled something. There was no bitterness behind the tone, only a sort of heaviness that seemed to have descended upon her voice.

They sat in that vein for a while. Shinji eventually stopped crying, his head lowered near Asuka's chest. There was a grunt and Shinji toppled over onto his backside as Asuka shoved him off of her. Shinji laid there, gazing at the sky, while he listened to Asuka's labored breathing. A few moments passed and Asuka lethargically picked herself off the ground and stumbled a few feet away from Shinji before sitting down and hugging her knees to her chest. Shinji still had trouble forming coherent thoughts, but instinct told him to move towards her. He silently stood up and moved behind her, sand crunching underneath his feet. An unbearable silence stretched between the two. They may have been close to each other, but their minds were miles away, what little was left of them. What felt like hours passed by, they did not move. Wind ate away at their skin, but they did not move. All they could do was stare at Rei's head, it was the easiest thing at that point. With every passing moment Shinji's voice climbed closer and closer to his throat from the pit of his stomach as a distant train would approach a station.

He turned to look at Asuka, his fists clenched tightly, "A-Are you hurt?"

Asuka did not stir.

"Hungry?" He tried again.

No response.

"Tired?"

Silence.

Shinji looked down at his feat, defeated, eyes lighting up one more time before he blurted out, "Are you okay?"

Asuka shifted in her sitting position, "Get away from me. Just the sight of you," she said, "It makes me sick…"

Shinji stuttered, "I-If there's anything you need-"

"What I need," Asuka said as she pulled her bandage arm up in front of her eye for inspection, "Is you to leave."

"I-," Shinji fumbled for his words.

"Shut up. Don't give me another lousy excuse or apology."

Shinji quieted, but didn't move.

Asuka groaned loudly and jolted up, "If you won't go away, I'll leave myself!"

Asuka walked towards the ruins of crumbled buildings, feet parting the sand underneath her as she stormed off. Shinji tried calling out to her, but she did not turn back. Eventually, like an injured pup, Shinji stalked after her.

* * *

Hot.

Soft.

Wet.

Nude.

Disgusting.

The tears splashed down on her face. Above her she could only see black in her left eye, his face in the other. It sickened her- that crying, ugly, putrid look of sorrow that etched across his being as his body shook, his hands trembled, and he mewed like a dying animal. Not standing to look at the pathetic sight any longer, she shoved him off, his rear landing softly in the white grains of the beach.

Needing air and space, she plopped herself down a few meters away. This had to be hell, she thought. Rei's perturbing smile etched across the horizon, taunting her. The sea looked like blood. And she was alone with him of all people. She could barely feel her right arm, a numbness fuzzing any feeling that would come from it. Her mind, mostly empty, felt something in the back of it- tearing it's way towards the surface of her soul.

The silence broke as he opened his annoying and whiny voice again. She only wanted to sit and stare at the horizon, but he wouldn't even afford her that. Then her arm began to throb as a sense of phantom pain radiated through bone and marrow. She thought about grunting at his questions, but even that would be too good for him. His existence was unneeded.

Question after question assaulted her ears until she snapped and barked at him. A croak escaped his throat, but there was nothing more for him to say. She lifted herself and made towards the edge of the city, ruins in the distance. She needed a bed, to take off the damn bandages, a change of clothes, and most of all, to get away from him.

Her teeth gritted as she heard another pair of soft footsteps behind her. He was following her. At the edge of the beach, where the land shifted from sand to cracked concrete, Asuka spun around and glared at him.

"Stop following me."

The boy fumbled over his words, "B-but… I… you're the only one I've seen. There's nowhere else to go…"

"Are you that afraid of being alone?"

Shinji averted his gaze, choosing instead to stare at weeds that poked through the crevices in the sidewalk. His hands closed tightly into a fists and his shoulders slouched.

Her voice was soft, nearly a whisper, "You seemed pretty keen on getting rid of me. Now you want me around?"

He didn't respond, instead choosing to remain alone in his silence.

A pit formed in Asuka's stomach, soon turning to burning disgust and a fire that crawled its way up her throat. She wanted to scream. She needed to scream. The foot of her plugsuit squeaked as she sprang towards Shinji, grabbed his shirt, and backed him into a skewed telephone pole with a thud. The web of wires overhead swayed and the wood groaned by the sudden impact.

Asuka's eyes dug into him, past his face, past his mind, towards his soul, "You did it again, dammit! I'm the only one you've seen! You couldn't give a damn about anyone! Not even a shred of remorse after what you did to me!"

Shinji's irises widened in terror, "A-Asuka... I didn't know," Shinji's voice quieted even more, "I couldn't go up… the EVA wouldn't move… I'm sorry... I'm so sorry..."

Shinji tried to move forward out of her iron grip, but she slammed Shinji into the pole again. A white bird resting on the top of the wood post fluttered away

"I can't stand you! I can't-" Out the corner of her peripheral vision in her uncovered eye Asuka glimpsed the white wings for a split second. She froze. Her hold on Shinji grew slack.

Shinji lowered his arms he held in defense of a blow and looked at Asuka who had become silent, eyes gazing through him, "Asuka? Are you-"

Shinji jumped as the girl sprang backwards, away from him. She turned and bolted into the city.

"Wait!" Shinji yelled from behind her, hand outstretched, as if trying to grab a strand of her fleeting mane of hair.

They were everywhere, circling above her beneath the sun in an uncanny halo, lurking around every corner of dilapidated buildings, white teeth grinning and lips caked with thick saliva. The pain in her arm flared to an unbearable point and she began to scream as she ran, eyes darting back and forth in a paranoid frenzy. The wings fluttered, she crumpled to the ground, legs and arms contracting into the fetal position. She sat there, with the dirt, cracked asphalt, broken glass, and trash littered around her body. She knew- it was where she belonged. Fighting back tears, she bit her lip and blocked her ears. Her stomach erupted in agony as their claws tore into her flesh again. She felt her skin parting, their grimy fingers digging and pulling out her innards, and the ravenous bites that assaulted her navel. Knowing what came next, Asuka grabbed her right arm and held onto it, shielding it against her chest. It didn't matter- they still grabbed at it.

"No," She whimpered, "Don't take it!"

In the distance a cry echoed, "Asuka!"

"Stop! Not again!"

"Asuka!"

"I don't want to die!" She screeched as her unbandaged arm tightened into a fist and she swung it wildly. It cracked against hair and flesh, a painful shockwave reverberating up her arm. There was a grunt, a thud, and silence.

She cowered there a little while longer, no longer hearing her name being called. Eventually she peeked her eyes open. The pain had subsided, returning back to a dull throb and fuzziness that encapsulated parts of her body. Her breaths were labored as she sat up and gazed nervously at her surroundings. Shinji was there, sleeping, or at least what it looked like to her. She noticed a small trail of blood dribbling down Shinji's face from his temple to his jaw. She looked at her fist, flexed it, and then in shock slid away from Shinji. She began to shake again when she looked at him, feeling an icy prick tingle down her spine. She didn't know what to do in this situation. He was lying there crumpled and motionless on the ground.

Asuka's voice jumped in her throat as she reached out to him, "Wha-"

It was too much. Far too much. She ran, once again, deeper into the ruined concrete labyrinth desperately searching for an intact building- somewhere safe. She hated the plugsuit she wore. She hated her body. She needed to strip and bathe.

* * *

Moans.

Cigarette smoke.

Sweaty bodies.

A pony tail.

A cross.

A splash.

The woman gasped for air and collapsed onto the ground. Her purple hair scattered around her as she gagged and hurled LCL onto the ground. She rolled over onto her side, still coughing, and stared at the moon. It was bright- so bright- like the moonlight that penetrated through the steamy window of her college apartment. The air was cold- not nearly as cold as the breeze from the broken fan, stitched with duct tape, that rattled back in the room she made love in. There she felt warm. There she felt safe. There she might've even felt wanted.

Misato pulled her head up groggily and took in her surroundings. The petrified corpses of the mass production EVAs rested in an arms outstretched pose like ancient steles. A titanic white head rested in the horizon. Red water splashed against the shoreline. Coarse sand crushed underfoot. A gust of wind howled causing Misato to shudder as the cold pierced her skin beneath her red jacket.

Misato's right hand instinctively made her way to her chest. There was no hole. She looked down at her lower half. It was still attached to her body. Her final moments assaulted her. The bullet to her back, the talk with Shinji, and the kiss. Then an explosion and darkness.

Her eyes closed as she balled a fist and slammed the ground, a small depression creating in the sand. She slammed her fist again and again, but no pain came. The ground was far too soft to hurt her even when she wanted punishment. She pressed her arms against the ground, shaky as they were, and with great effort lifted herself up.

She shambled about aimlessly, eventually stopping at a group of makeshift grave markers. Their designs were all simple in shape- a cross made out of darkened and decaying wood with a nail attached in the center to hold the planks in place. On one grave was a white cross, the one from her necklace. Misato stumbled over to the marker and pulled on the nail. It didn't budge. She continued trying to force it out until her fingers started to bleed. With a final tug, it came loose, and she fell down onto the coarse sand. She sat up, gripped the white cross with dried blood hard between her two hands, and brought it to her chest. She huddled and held the cross as if trying to find some warmth in it. It was cold. She choked a sob and began to cry.

* * *

He was on the train again. The train that always seemed to travel somewhere yet never settled at a destination. The orange glow of the setting sun that penetrated the windows was the only source of light. A younger version of himself sat across from him, motionless, face basked in darkness. He looked left and right, but there was nobody. He was alone, save for himself.

"Who are you?" The boy asked.

Shinji sat silently, eyes staring past his younger's selves head into the orange hue coming from outside.

"Who are you?"

Shinji focused on the child, "Me."

The child nodded and paused. He spoke again, "Is this your dream?"

"It might be."

"It is."

"So?"

"They're dead. All of them."

"That's not a dream."

"Yes. It's your reality."

"I know."

"You did it."

Shinji couldn't respond. His hands began to tremble.

"You did it," The boy repeated.

Shinji brought his hands to his ears, trying desperately to block out the words.

"You did it."

"Stop!" He yelled, eyes widening, "Stop! Please! Stop!"

"Do you want to see the inside?"

"Go away!"

"You can't run away from unpleasant things. Do you want to see the inside?"

The wheels of the train came to a halt with an ear splitting screech. Shinji looked up. His younger self was gone. The sky changed from orange to grey. Rain started to pour down and the door opened. Something told Shinji to leave, something in his soul. He stood up and walked outside and found himself in a desert ravine. Rough sandstone raised on both sides to his left and right- smooth textures of winding erosion swirling and stretching across the walls of the valley. Water trailed down his face from above. He looked back, but the train was gone. In the distance stood an intricate temple. It looked like a face, with elongated proportions, that had been carved into the side of the mountain. A stretched nose ran down the middle towards closed lips. There were spiral staircases up to the two eyes which had darker arches indicating an entrance. Shinji noticed how eerily the stairways looked like tears trailing down the face. Hesitantly, he moved forward strangely drawn to the temple and wanting to know what was inside. When he reached the entrance through the eye he saw a few torches held in place. The air became thin and freezing. He saw nothing in the distance, only continuous pitch black. He stepped forward and fell.

Shinji screamed as he flew down the pit. With a thud, he landed on a dirt floor in the fetal position. Asuka appeared in front of him and kicked him.

"Just the sight of you makes me sick!" She yelled.

Misato materialized and touched his hand, "This is about all I can do for you right now," she said as her lips parted towards Shinji's face. He recoiled away in disgust.

Multiple of Rei's nude bodies emerged from the darkness wearing the same deranged smile from Third Impact. They reached for him, eventually grabbing him and pinning him down. Their hands felt dead as they slithered about his skin while he tried to break loose.

"Help me!" Shinji screamed frantically, "Help me!"

Now the hands were dragging him deeper, beneath the dirt, burying him alive.

Before he was completely submerged a boy appeared in front of him. It was his younger self- wearing the same oversized striped shirt as the day Gendo left him at the train station. The boy was crying.

Shinji reached for him, "Help me!"

Before the dirt covered his eyes, filled his mouth, and blocked his ears, he heard them speak.

"He can't."

Shinji's eyes darted open. His head felt light and his vision was blurry. He tasted bile in the back of his throat. The air wailed and bit at his exposed skin while his body laid on the cracked asphalt of the road. He picked his weary body up off the ground and doddered over to lean against the half demolished wall of a building. His hands came gingerly up to his head and he traced down the trail of dried blood on the side of his cheek. A cough escaped him as his head throbbed. His lips were dry and his throat was stiff.

"Asuka," He groaned, "Where are you?"

She couldn't have gone far. He knew her condition before was barely better than his. There were only so many safe buildings to enter and knowing Asuka, she wasn't foolish enough to enter somewhere that looked even a little bit unsteady. All he had to do was search, to try, but his legs were dangerously close to giving out. He wondered if he should even pursue her. She obviously hated him for what he did and knocked him out cold. There's no telling what she could do to him. However, he was alone, cold, and afraid and in his mind that far outweighed the consequences of any more hits or insults.

He didn't know how much time it took; minutes maybe hours. Eventually, he saw light from a window in a brick apartment complex and moved towards it, his body sore and his eyes baggy. As he walked up the stairs of the building, the wooden floorboards creaking under his strained steps, the aroma of something cooking filled his nostrils. His stomach growled and he opened the surprisingly unlocked door. He followed the sound of boiling water to the kitchen to see a quiet Asuka standing by the stove. She turned around and jumped at the sight of him. She looked much better than him for she had at least found a change of clothes- some jean shorts and a white long sleeve shirt.

Asuka's shocked expression faded, "What're you doing here?"

* * *

Her hands shook on the cold basin of the bathroom sink. One hand, partially bare and wrapped in bandages, gripped the end while the other, covered by her red plugsuit, rested in a tightly closed fist. Panting and sweating, she lifted her face to look at her reflection in the mirror.

It had taken her a few minutes to finally find an unlocked room after she traversed a few floors of the building. Outside she could still hear their wings flapping. A she finally caught her breath, something else nagged the back of her mind. Where was Shinji? Where was… everyone?

More importantly, Asuka turned her attention to the medical cabinet in front of her to stare at her reflection. Her hair was caked with dirt and sand, a complete mess of stray strands pointing in multiple directions. Beneath her bangs hid the white bandage that covered her eye. She could only see darkness underneath, but she wasn't entirely sure if that was due to the eye being shielded. With a still shaky hand, she took off the bandage, the skin underneath feeling stiff and dry. To her surprise it was okay and a moment of sudden euphoria overtook her.

Her vision was a bit blurry at first and everything looked out of focus. She barely made out a label on the bottle of Vitamin pills that rested on the opposite side of the room, but like a pupil adjusting to the dark, she could feel her vision slowly coming back to her. For the eye itself- it was completely intact. The sky blue iris assured her that she was still, in fact, alive. Faintly visible above the eye, on her eyebrow ridge, she could see a faint discolored circle. A scar from when the two pronged lance had shredded her eye. One tip had gone directly into her pupil, the other into her eyebrow. Thankfully, the hair covered the scar; one had to be looking for it to notice otherwise.

Asuka sighed and absent mindedly removed the bandage around her arm. Her heart skipped a beat. There, beneath the white fabric, was a long scar, stretching vertically up her arm from in between her middle and ring finger to the back of her bicep, ending before the shoulder. Just like the scar on her eye, it was a small discoloration, but enough to throw off the perfection of her once flawless skin. And unlike her eye, there would be no hiding it. It wasn't hideous persay, in fact the color was only slightly darker than her skin, but what alarmed her was the straightness of it. It seemed artificial. Most scars were unbalanced in color, size, shape, but this one… it seemed like a straight crack on a layer of ice.

Asuka bit her lip and slammed her fist on the side of the sink, "No… damnit… damnit…" She winced as she thought about the consequences. Who would want a girl with such imperfections? Her classmates wouldn't look at her anymore, they'd probably only see her as some freak child soldier. She knew her temper was volatile, but regardless people would come to her, want to be around her for both her confidence and looks. But where were both now? Gone- destroyed the moment she unveiled what hid beneath the bandages.

She suddenly hated it all and for once, in a long time, she hated something more than herself. Shinji.

"He did this to me!" She screamed.

Her skin didn't feel like it was hers anymore. Her mind- violated by Arael. Her body- raped by those monsters. Her soul- touched and molested in that dreamscape. Asuka's angry stare focused on her plugsuit. With haste, she tore it off and threw it on the floor. She screamed and she kicked at the latex suit, her heel crashing against the ceramic tiled floor beneath. Each kick released a jolt of pain up her leg, but it was distant to her- meaningless.

Finally, exhausted and out of breath, she looked at herself one more time in the mirror.

Coldness.

The anger left her and was immediately replaced with a feeling of dread. There, from just below her breasts and down to her navel lay a minefield of circular scars, the same discoloration on all of them. Seven to be exact. Asuka couldn't hold back the tears that came next. Her reaction wasn't the violent storm from before- just pathetic and sorrowful like someone who had finally realized the futility of life. Her legs gave out and she ended up on the floor, naked, crying, and weeping.

Why did she have to die?

"I hate him!"

Why did she have to live?

"I hate this!"

Above all else, where was her mother to whisper sweet nothings into her ear?

"I hate myself!"

* * *

Miasto's feet shuffled tiredly against the debris ridden ground. Her red jacket provided very little comfort from the freezing air. She needed to find them… she just needed to find them… maybe then. What? What could she do? She was a walking corpse- she shouldn't be alive. Just like father. Nothing had changed. The vicious cycle she adamantly told Shinji to break had occurred with her. Weak… no... hypocritical described her best. Just like father. Father always focused on his work and in his last moments had been so arrogant to assume the position of a parent- leaving her behind with nothing. Had she not done the same to Shinji? Cruel, she thought. Just like father.

Misato knew Shinji was alive, somewhere, cold and alone. The cross dangled in front of her chest from a piece of rusted copper wire she found in the remnants of a hardware store. Like a zombie, she continued to pace on, step after step, feeling closer and closer to death's door.

If she did find Shinji, dead, alive, it didn't matter, Misato didn't know if she had the will to face him. Moments before her demise she tried to goad him with sex. She left him alone, gave him advice she couldn't even understand herself and shoved him into the elevator. The kiss had been the least of the issues- she at least meant that.

"I-" Misato's voice cracked, her vocal chords being used for the first time since she left the ocean of LCL, "I'll find you…"

Barely conscious, she continued on.

* * *

"What are you doing here," She repeated again, this time with venom he'd never seen from her before.

Shinji rubbed his aching head and looked at the floor. It was easier than looking at her.

Asuka stomped over to Shinji, standing dangerously close to his face, "Answer me."

Shinji couldn't. His voice had been lost somewhere amongst the guilt and shame of his mind. He lifted his head for a moment and his eyes met the subtle mounds that protruded from Asuka's white shirt where her breasts were. Typical. The first thing he saw in her again.

"Ignoring me? You don't get to ignore me!" Asuka pushed Shinji over to the ground and he crumpled.

"I saw what you did to me," Asuka stated, "Want to do it again?"

Shinji's mind went blank as venomous images of the hospital appeared in his head. God… if only he could take that back. He remained silent.

"You violated me!" Asuka shouted, "You left me!"

Her leg flew towards Shinji landing against his gut, causing him to spit onto the hardwood floor. He gripped his stomach and cowered beneath her. He felt nude. There was nowhere to hide, nowhere to run to. He had to face her now.

Shinji rolled onto his knees. Head bowed, he whispered, "I'm sorry."

"Pathetic," Asuka gave him the same judgmental stare as in instrumentality, "I can't look at you."

She walked away, leaving him on the floor. In the kitchen some cupboards opened and closed. He heard the clang of bowls being brought out onto the marble counter. A few moments later one of the doors to a bedroom slammed shut. Shinji found himself alone again. At least it was better than being with her.

Asuka made noodles, simple, with no sauce, but Shinji barely ate anything in the weeks since returning from instrumentality. Had it been weeks? It could've been months? There was a peculiar sense of not knowing how much time passed when he was the only one around. At the table he sat with his bowl, slowly putting food into his mouth until tears started to stream down his face. He continued to stuff himself as if that would make it stop. He'd stop, then start again, then stop, and so on it went until the bowl was empty.

Sleep- hopefully that would calm his restless mind. In the closet he found a few spare futons, but there was no other bedroom besides the one Asuka had locked herself in. He cleared some of the other clutter and covered himself with a blanket that couldn't reach down below his ankles. Before dozing off he stared at the bedroom door down the hallway. Someone lay beyond there- someone who hated him- someone who he never could find any sense of normality with again.

He closed his eyes.

* * *

His hand entered her.

Rejection.

"I'm home."

Who are you? The other one in me?

Her eyes opened to sand and crashing waves. She sat up and looked around. It was alarming seeing her own severed head not too far in the distance. She was still dressed in her white plugsuit.

"Hey!" A voice startled her.

A man waved to her down the beach.

He cupped his hands around his mouth, "Did you just come back!? We got a camp over here! We have food and water!" The man motioned with his arm.

The girl's stomach growled as she stood up.

She walked over in the man's direction, stumbling and occasionally falling face first into the sand like an infant learning to walk. After making her way back into the ruins of Tokyo 03 she saw the military tents. A hand clamped down on her shoulder.

"What the hell are you wearing?" A woman asked, clad in a military outfit, "Head inside. The camp has new clothes and food."

Her response was immediate, "Where is Ikari?"

"Who? Maybe you should check the board at the sign-in tent. That's where we keep tabs on everyone who came back. Speaking of which, what's your name?"

"Rei… Ayanami. I think..."

The woman paused and raised her eyebrow. She jotted down something on her clipboard, "Come on, I'll show you to your tent," she put an arm around Rei and guided her away. Once they reached the shelter the woman pointed to the clothes on the bed and zipped the tent door closed.

Rei stripped out of her plugsuit. As she put on her clothes she remembered something from her classes before Third Impact. Most of the time she'd sit silently by the windowsill, but one time she chose to pay attention when they covered a certain English writer. She wasn't sure what prompted it- maybe a fleeting desire to make sense of this strange world she found herself in.

"The eyes are the window to your soul," The teacher said on that crisp Autumn morning.

Rei mulled about the implications of such a phrase. She saw everyone's soul in _there_. The overflowing sensation of sorrow, guilt, and shame. But there were no eyes- and she could see everything about everyone without anything being hidden. Intrusive? Maybe, but then again it was what he had wanted.

In the mirror she looked at her reflection, her pale skin and her crimson red eyes stared back. The tears started rolling down her face slowly and blurred her vision. She made no noise instead only sitting down on the mat laid out for her. She brought her hand up to her face and felt the wetness underneath her soft and delicate fingers.

"Tears," Rei pulled her fingers away, "The blood of your soul."

_To be continued..._


	3. Ouroboros

"O, that this too, too sullied flesh would melt, thaw, and resolve itself into a dew."

-William Shakespeare ( _Hamlet_ 1.2.133-134)

Chapter 2: Ouroboros

* * *

In between the dense thicket of shrubbery and the winding boughs of evergreens she ran, shouting gleefully with her mother on her heels. Her red hair blew behind her head gracefully in long fiery strands. She laughed and skipped from tree to tree, playing a game of hide and seek as she obscured herself behind their enormous trunks. The soil gave way easily underfoot, soft and somewhat mushy from the morning dew. It stained her white shoes, but she didn't care. She kept laughing.

"Asuka!" Her mother cried out, "Wait!"

Asuka stopped, turned around, and pouted, blowing up her cheeks in mock frustration, the bottom of her white dress lined with mud and hairs of grass. Behind her, a large rock peaked out of the forest ground. A startled deer galloped by. Birds sang their trebled tunes and insects buzzed in Asuka's ear. Most importantly, it was warm. Asuka climbed the rock- making her way all the way to the top when her mother finally reached her. She kept laughing.

Out of breath and hands on her knees, Kyoko looked up, "Asuka… get down from there… it's dangerous."

"Look mommy!" Asuka shouted from the top. There was a small clearing in the crown of the trees above head- a circular opening allowing rays of sunlight to glisten on the summit of the rock. Asuka stood tall, despite her small stature, hands on her hips, head held high. When Kyoko looked up, the sun had silhouetted Asuka's body, engulfing her in a shadow. Kyoko smiled.

"I'm the sun! I'm the sun!" Asuka shouted as she reached for the blazing ball of light that seemed so close in that instance. So warm. She was still laughing.

"Yes," Kyoko chuckled, "You are. Now come down from there before you worry mommy more."

Asuka slid down the sharp slope of the rock, her shoes squeaking underfoot. She ran over to her mother.

"Don't worry mommy, I'm big enough to take care of myself," Asuka said.

"Oh…" Kyoko tsked, "You still have a ways to go my darling."

Asuka's face puckered and she crossed her arms.

"That's not a bad thing, dear. Enjoy it. You're an adult more than you're a child in your life."

Asuka did not move, still upset at her mother's remarks. Kyoko spotted a glint- red, shiny, and round. A bush of berries hid behind the steep face of the rock Asuka had climbed.

"Asuka," Kyoko pointed, "Let's go take a look at those berries. They look good, don't they?"

The girl turned around and ran over to the bush. What an understatement her mother's remark had been. The berries were illustrious. Their subtle glow radiated light off their bulbous surfaces and the last remnants of rain trickled down their wet sides. Asuka reached for them.

"Wait, Asuka," Kyoko grabbed her hand, "See those?"

Kyoko pointed to the stems from where the berries protruded. Thorns. Many of them. They lined the sides up and down, sharp and almost grinning in anticipation to prick any trespassers.

"So?" Asuka huffed, "I'll grab them mommy. I'll grab some for you and me."

"Take your time. Don't rush yourself. Otherwise they'll cut you. You don't want to get hurt, right?"

"Those little things will hurt me? Don't be silly mommy," Asuka grinned mischievously.

Asuka was entranced by the berries. She wanted to see them, touch them, taste them, roll them around in the soft palms of her childish hands. She wanted to understand everything about them. Where did they come from? How were they made? Why were they red? She knew her mother had the answers. Her eyes locked on the drupelets, and her hand gravitated towards them… closer… closer…

"Ow!" Asuka screamed as the thorn pricked her in between her right hand's ring and middle finger. A small trickle of blood dribbled down the back of her hand towards her wrist.

"Mommy-" Asuka looked turned around. Kyoko's feet dangled from the air in front of her.

A gust of wind swayed the trees overhead and caused her to shudder. It turned freezing cold. A woosh startled Asuka. She looked up at the circular clearing overhead. There were no more trees- they had faded to terrain that stretched above her on both sides. She was in the Geofront. Asuka looked down at her arm. Slowly, it started to peel apart from the point where she had been pricked by the shrubs needles. Asuka screamed and saw them again, white teeth shining, elongated tongues licking their lips.

Asuka jumped out of bed and landed on the floor with a thud. She gasped for air, grabbing her chest and shaking. Her eyes adjusted to the dark around her and she saw the dresser on the far side of the bedroom and the nightstand by the queen size bed. After catching her breath her mind settled on one singular thought.

"He did this to me," She muttered in a shaky voice as her legs wobbled to the bedroom door. She opened it and walked down the hallway. Pacing around the house, she hunted for where Shinji slept. Finally, in the walk in closet, she found him, curled into a ball on his side, breathing softly.

Asuka got on her knees and shuffled towards him until she was right next to him. In a quick move she pushed him over onto his back and straddled him, feeling the warmth of his body between her legs. Her hands moved slowly towards his throat. It would be so easy to crush his windpipe while he slept. Slowly, she felt her hands trailing further and further up his collarbone, arriving right at the base of his neck.

"S-sorry," his voice was fragile- on the brink of collapse. Startled, Asuka's hands fell to her sides.

As the realization of knowing he was awake wore off Asuka's mind wandered. Sorry? That's all he could say? Sorry? For everything he had done to her? For his stupidity, his negligence? For the hospital? For not saving her? Sorry. One word was supposed to fix all that? And to apologize… after she was about to kill him…. There had to be more. There had to be a reason.

"You…." Her voice quivered, "You think you can just say 'sorry' and think I'll forgive you?"

The fragility in his voice remained, "What else is there for me to say?"

"Be quiet!" Asuka gritted her teeth. There had to be a reason.

"Sorry."

She screamed. Her fist connected with the tile, inches from his head, a flash of red bursting across her knuckles. Images of instrumentality assaulted her viciously. A crying girl in a graveyard flashing to a sobbing boy on a train station platform. A shuddering girl clinging to her pillow as her only source for warmth while a boy did the same. He couldn't… She shook her head frantically and shrieked. Moments that seemed like minutes passed as she sat on top of him, panting heavily, while Shinji froze in terror.

Once her breath stabilized Asuka grabbed Shinji's hands, "Sit up!"

She raised him from the floor and moved to the closet doorway where she sat and leaned against the frame. It took a lot for her to not hit him again, or shout an insult, "Explain."

Shinji cringed, covered his face, and shook his head, "I… I can't… everything would just be an excuse."

Asuka glared daggers at him, "You really are pathetic, you know that?"

"I know."

She bit her lip.

"That's all you have to say?"

His response was almost immediate, "Yes." He trailed off choosing to look at the floor. She saw him examine every crack in the tiles, retracing intricate patterns of ceramic. Anything but her.

"Look at me!" Asuka screamed.

Shinji jumped. For a split second, their eyes met, but he quickly darted them away.

"You fucking coward," the words came out coldly rather than filled with her usual heat.

Asuka got off the floor, brushing away the dust that crawled onto her legs. How could she make him speak? She needed him to say something, anything. The silence continued; then, she found something she knew would make him bite.

"You're still the same kid as before," she said, "Worthless."

His eyes finally looked up at her like an animal that had been backed into a corner, "Stop blaming everything on me! Look in the mirror for once!"

"Look in the mirror!? You're the one who never realizes how messed up you are!"

"You're vindictive!"

"You're selfish!"

"You're useless! This world would be better off without you!" Asuka screamed.

"You-" Shinji stopped. He looked at her in disbelief. So it was all true then. She really had stated how she felt. He looked down, defeated, but he wasn't going to roll over without a fight.

"Now I see," Shinji mumbled, "Why your mother left you." It was a low blow- he knew it and only part of him wanted her to hear it, but nonetheless it came out.

She took a step towards him and he winced, waiting for a barrage of hits or maybe another crack to the side of his head. It never came. When he opened his eyes he saw something he'd never seen before in the girl. Her eyes were shattered: the same as the day he'd seen a little girl's irises crack like crystals as she mourned.

Asuka didn't run. Instead she turned around slowly, and stumbled over to the living room. There was a rustling of clothes. His heart raced and what he had said truly settled in. He made a grave mistake. She was putting on a coat when he entered the room she had fled to- oversized for her smaller body to the point where it looked somewhat foolish. Not paying attention to him, she moved past him towards the door. She picked out a pair of shoes and hastily tied the knot.

Shinji gulped as she opened the door.

"Asuka-"

The door slammed shut in his face.

* * *

Misato's legs wobbled more and more with each step. Every vibration dimmed her vision considerably to the point where her eyes must have been paper thin slits. With a huff her knees gave out and she collapsed onto the ground, darkness taking her over.

Between lucid waking reality and hallucination she saw his face. His pony tail swayed in the wind as he carried her. She heard the crunches of glass and rubble underfoot. He seemed to notice her staring at him and smiled. She managed to return it weakly.

His muffled voice spoke, "I think she's awake, Aoba."

"Great we'll get her to the…" The person's voice who was speaking droned into silence and Misato closed her eyes once again.

The next time she awoke she was being lowered down onto the ground. Kaji was no longer carrying her. It was her father. He grabbed the cross necklace and inspected it. He dropped, letting it fall to Misato's chest- in her weakened state it felt as heavy as an iron anvil. Sleep took her again.

Misato's groggy eyes opened to a silent humming, the legs of a tan suit sitting near her head, and the fabric of a green tent overhead. The voice was feminine in cadence. Misato groaned as she moved onto her side and wetted her dry lips.

"You're awake," The voice said, "You've been out a while."

Misato picked her gaze up and saw the brown eyes of Maya staring back at her in peculiar fascination.

She continued, "They weren't sure if you were even going to make it. You were out in the cold for so long."

"How," Misato said wearily, "Did I get here?"

"Hyuga, Aoba, and I found you passed out within the outskirts of the city. We traced your footprints from the beach."

Misato's mind clicked and the realization of the purpose of her travels returned to her, "Shinji? Where's Shinji?"

"We haven't found him yet. We've only located the Rei. We don't know where Asuka is either."

Oh right. There was also Asuka. Misato sat up and hugged her knees to her chest- a splitting headache torturing her. She remained quiet.

"Don't worry we'll find them..." Maya said smiling reassuringly even though Misato could clearly see the uncertainty in the young woman's face.

Misato nodded mechanically and sighed, resigned to the fate of sitting and waiting in hopes that one would return to her.

* * *

"Asuka!" Shinji cried out, "Asuka!"

Amidst the ruins he bumbled around, tripping over bent rebar and other wedges of concrete and skewed metal. It was pointless. She was already long gone. Why did he say that? He figured he knew it would keep her quiet, but even then realization set in. He went too far. He stopped wandering aimlessly and asked himself the question as to how he would've responded to his own remark towards her. He liked to think he would've held the higher ground, stood up for himself, maybe even pushed back at her for once, but everytime he couldn't deny that he would've ran away. It hurt him so much to think about his own mother there's no telling how Asuka could have felt. If only he could take it back. Now he had no one.

The idea to return to the beach popped into his head. He would go back and lie down either waiting for someone to return or for death to take him. Maybe if he was lucky he could return to that place before. It took some time making his way through the outskirts of the city. Every turn started to feel more and more like the rest to the point where he had lost all sense of direction. Finally, in the distance, he saw the fine white grains of the beach again. He moved towards it expecting desolation, but to his surprise there were… others. In the distance tents stood while unsuspecting people moved about. Asuka could be there. Shinji ran frantically over and looked around. Everyone was doing something, but he was lost in the sea of people- completely ignored.

"Shinji?" A voice said.

He turned around. Black hair accompanied by tan skin and a dirtied tracksuit caught his vision.

"It really is you," Toji said. He smiled faintly.

Shinji's mood darkened. He hoped it was Asuka, but that was just wishful thinking. At least his old friend was alive.

"It's good to see you again," Shinji said.

"Let's go sit down somewhere. Tell me how you've been. Oh and have you seen anyone else? Hikari maybe?"

Shinji looked at the ground. A fresh wave of guilt washed over him. He knew Toji liked the former class rep. If she didn't return… because of him…

Shinji felt a rising bile in the back of his throat and the sudden urge to vomit. He put his hands on his knees to stabilize himself.

Toji went to his side, "Hey? You good? Need me to-"

"No," Shinji said, "Don't… don't worry about me."

"Come on," Toji patted him on the back, "Let's go find somewhere to talk."

They moved to a bench that had a perfect view of the horizon. In the broad daylight the sight looked more surreal and the wreckage more apparent. Sunken buildings, titanic white appendages, charred ground- all these things engulfed the landscape in a symphony of horrid destruction. The two of them sat there, Toji respecting the silence. He looked thoughtfully out at the horizon, tilting his head to take in the chirping birds and bask his face in the morning sunlight. Meanwhile Shinji's shoulders dropped as he stared into the distance. Bits of debris, rebar, and other bent metal protruded out of the ground creating a thick field of artificial stalagmites. Maybe to a giant they would seem like blades of grass that didn't sway with the wind. Or maybe hands, reaching to the sky in search of salvation.

He really hadn't changed. He thought he did, but that was just wishful thinking. In the end it was him who caused all of this. All he could do was destroy. He had done the same with Asuka earlier. Toji was with him, but it wasn't the same. And surely he would abandon him when he learned what Shinji did.

"What's up?" Toji asked, "You're not talking."

Shinji stayed silent, sunken eyes gazing distantly.

"I'm sorry. You were probably right there, right? When it happened?"

Shinji's response came out robotically, "Nothing's changed."

"What was that?"

"I'm still the same pathetic kid. She was right."

"What?"

Shinji chuckled mirthlessly and shook his head, "People don't change," he said, "That's just being naive. In the end we just make the same mistakes over and over again"

"What are you on about?"

"You never really knew me."

"Look," Toji turned to face him, "I have no clue what happened to you guys after we left, but I'm still your fr-"

"Get away from me," Shinji said.

Toji's mouth opened in puzzlement, "What-"

"Please."

The jock quieted and analyzed Shinji nervously. With an uncertain sigh, he walked away, but kept Shinji in his sight from a distance. Once again, Shinji found himself in solitude with his thoughts. There was a howl of wind, distant shouts, and the sound of water lapping against the shore. This was always easier. Being alone was nothing new.

* * *

There was a commotion outside. Rei perked up and quietly moved to the flap of her tent. Opening it up, she saw the tan suit of a NERV technician stumble around a corner followed by two military officials dressed in black. Cautiously, latching onto the walls of other tents for cover, she went after them. Another burst of icy gale shook the tents and flapped the loosely pegged bottoms open causing them to sway like howling phantoms of juniper green. Continuing her trek behind them, Rei caught a glimpse of another two NERV technicians. They were… rounding them up.

She jumped as a hand squeezed her wrists behind her back tightly. Another man in black had found her. He brought her to a clearing away from the other civilians and tents. Mud squished underneath and Rei was reminded of the pictures she had seen of post Second Impact anti-government rebels being tied up with bags over their heads awaiting execution.

A boy with brown hair sat there already, eyes staring dejectedly at the dirt. He lifted them to see the new arrival. Rei's heart jumped and she could tell the boy's did too.

Misato stopped walking despite the man still dragging her by the arm, "S-Shinji?"

A moment passed of utter silence. Misato threw the man's arm off her and ran towards the boy. The other raised their guns immediately, but the one in charge moved his hand to call them off. Misato nearly crushed his smaller body in a ferocious hug, choked sobs escaping her throat as she clung to Shinji. His arms dangled at his sides and he rested his chin on her shoulder.

Rei sat down next to them, "Ikari… it's you…"

He didn't respond to her.

His eyes looked broken, a fragment of the boy she'd known. He looked more defeated than Rei had ever seen him. His skin was eerily pale, his cheeks thin, and eyes bagged like he hadn't slept for days. She reached out to him reassuringly, but turned at the sound of another voice.

"Isn't this unfortunate," A blonde woman in a white lab coat said sarcastically.

Ritsuko Akagi was brought down to her knees, hands cuffed behind her back.

"Rits…" Misato said, trying to find something to say.

"I see they got you guys too," She sighed, "Pity."

Maya leaned over to Misato's shoulder, a worried expression on her face, "Looks like they're rounding us all up. What are they going to do? We're not going to die, right?"

Misato bit her lip.

"Let go of me!" A voice shouted, "Take your hands off me!"

A screaming and thrashing Asuka was being tugged along by a guard, his one hand being able to hold both her wrists together in a knot behind her back. Rei noticed how Shinji's eyes sparked up for a second, but not out of what she assumed was excitement, but rather, fear.

"You have another pair of cuffs?" The man holding Asuka asked the captain.

He nodded his head and tossed him a pair.

"Damnit! Do you know who I am!? Let me go!" Asuka said as she reared her leg back and kicked the man holding her in the shin with her heel.

The soldier shoved her to the ground and dug his knee into her back. Her face was forced into a pool of mud, caking and dirtying her red hair brown. Asuka struggled, trying to wriggle her way out from the soldier's iron hold, but it was no use. She had nothing on a fully grown adult.

"Let go!"

"Hold still damnit!" The soldier shouted and used his other free hand to push her face into the ground. Hard. Her right neural connector, still flimsily stuck to her mane, fell out and her screams were drowned out by the suffocating mud. Rei heard a clink as the cuffs closed shut on her hands. Satisfied that she would no longer fight, the soldier brought Asuka up to her knees. Her face was partially covered in the brown dirt. Her darkened gaze was hidden by her bangs.

The captain appeared in front of them.

"Former members of NERV," he said, "You are hereby under arrest."

_To be continued..._


	4. Koliada

**In the Desert**

By Stephen Crane

In the desert

I saw a creature, naked, bestial,

Who, squatting upon the ground,

Held his heart in his hands,

And ate of it.

I said, "Is it good, friend?"

"It is bitter—bitter," he answered;

"But I like it

"Because it is bitter,

"And because it is my heart."

Chapter 3: Koliada

* * *

It was colder than usual and Shinji arrived home late after spending a lackluster time wandering Tokyo-04 in search of petty entertainment with Toji and Takeda. When the door to their apartment hissed open he found her wobbling across the kitchen into the living room where a TV hawked news about foreign tensions and empty threats of war. A metallic clang rung out as her unsuspecting feet kicked an empty can of beer into the corner. Misato was speaking nonsense, spewing words that Shinji could barely understand- though he could infer that most of it was directed at the news.

He scooted past, gripping his book bag to his shoulder as he tried to walk by her unnoticed. It had been a long time since he saw her this far gone. It didn't work. He was startled by a hand looping around his unsuspecting shoulder.

"Look at you," Misato purred into his ear, "Looking all grown up."

Shinji tried to escape but she pulled him closer to her.

"You know what I said back then…"

Shinji gulped. He did. He mostly definitely did and it disgusted him. Repulsed him. But here she was, fulfilling her promise.

He stumbled over his words, "M-Misato… you're not thinking straight. I-I'll make some tea for you and get your bed ready, okay?"

"Oh," Misato said, pointing her finger onto Shinji's chest, "You're going to take care of me, are you?"

He moved away, "Stop… please… you're not right in the-"

"I'm fine," She groaned, "Are you really that afraid of another woman?"

She moved towards him, putting both her hands on his chest.

He shoved her away, "I said stop!"

She stumbled backwards and crashed into the back of the couch.

"Shinji-"

He bolted to his bedroom and slammed the door shut, making sure to lock it. He heard her on the other side, breathing laboriously through the thin wood material. There was a long sound of a chair being pulled out from the kitchen table and the huff of someone sitting down. Moments passed as Shinji listened. He could only hear sniffles at first, but slowly they turned to guttural sobs that grew louder and louder in volume.

"Kaji…" She whimpered from the kitchen.

She continued to wail until Shinji couldn't take it anymore and attempted to block her voice out by wrapping his pillow around his ears. It was no use. Her screams heightened and mixed into a blaring violence.

The buzzing of an alarm woke him up out of his slumber. He looked out his window and then checked the clock. 7:00 AM it read. School would begin soon. He wiped his groggy eyes, moved to the bathroom, and washed the stench of morning breath out of his mouth. It surprised Shinji how much he had changed. He never really paid much attention to it, but now that he was standing in front of his mirror it hit him. He must've been as tall as Misato by now. He found it strange how only a few years could change him so much. His uniform received a rework since the old days of middle school in Class-2A. It was a simple black sweater and white button down underneath accompanied by black pants. Daisy colored embroideries circled around the neck and wrists regions like pale serpents. He remembered hearing that the school designed the uniforms so that they could absorb the sunlight better and warm the students more. Everyday in Tokyo-04 was cold.

The kitchen was empty, long abandoned by Misato, who had already run off to work for the day, leaving behind only bits of half eaten toast and unfinished coffee. Shinji opened the fridge to pour himself a cold glass of orange juice. Next to the citrusy beverage he spotted a six pack of cheap beer he knew Misato bought from the rundown liquor store down the street.

Occasionally at night he could hear sobs coming from her room or be woken by the sound of the fridge opening and closing and a can of beer being pried open. It didn't bother him much. She kept her distance and so did he. Especially after that incident from a little over a year ago. They hadn't spoken about it since.

He passed by the usual scenery on his way to school. The east wing of The Hub. A long row of red pines stretched like the black marble graves in the burial grounds of the victims taken by Second Impact down the river shore. Their leaves matched the color of the sea. Shinji felt a bit nauseous every time he walked by there.

The chords from the earpieces that attached to his new SDAT swayed in front of his chest. Surprisingly, he had found one after Third Impact, when long gone were the days of them being manufactured. The world had new music players, better ones with clearer audio and more storage, but he didn't mind. His SDAT continued to hum quietly in his ears so that he could be alert if someone called his name. No one ever did.

He reached the white walls of the school and looked up at the towering building. It had been built after Third Impact as clearly shown by the ruthlessly efficient and minimalistic architecture focusing less on aesthetics and more on simplicity as to use far less resources. The building had a simple rectangular shape with equally spaced windows for every classroom stretching several stories. The top was surrounded by a chain link fence that flared outwards at the top. Suicides had skyrocketed post Third Impact and high schools didn't want to deal with any more issues among their youth.

Walking down the stairwell, Shinji spotted Toji and Takeda chatting away near his locker. Takeda was yapping the jock's ear off. Toji seemed uninterested in whatever he had to say as he groaned and slammed his locker in annoyance.

"Good morning," Shinji said dully.

"Morning Shinji," Toji patted him on the back lightly.

"Hey," Takeda nudged him on the shoulder, "You… uh… feeling better from last week? I didn't mean to strike a nerve with the joke or anything…"

"No. Don't worry about it," Shinji replied and feigned a short smile.

"Alright," Takeda said, exhaling, "Are we hanging out after school?"

"Yeah. Misato won't be home until much later tonight," Shinji turned to Toji, "You coming?"

"Nah. Hikari wants me to come over tonight and have dinner with her family."

"I understand," Shinji sighed.

"She probably wants more than just dinner," Takeda sneered.

"Man. Is everything sexual with you?"

The trio walked to their first morning class of environmental science. Shinji spotted Rei on the far side of the room staring out the window in her contemplative pose. She sat a few rows forward from himself.

"Hey, Rei," Shinji said as he passed her.

Rei's eyes moved from the window to him and she lifted her gaze, "Hello… Ikari…"

Shinji smiled faintly. It was always nice being able to say hello to her since he didn't see her much anymore. She lived in the same apartment complex as him and Misato as per orders, but like a nocturnal animal, she hid away as soon as she returned home from school. Sometimes he wondered if she got bored, but it always seemed to him that such a matter was trivial to someone always caught up in some distant train of thought. Maybe he could help pick up trash in her apartment again, but he didn't even know the state she was living in anymore. Probably would just be a lousy attempt at reconnecting.

During class the teacher mostly talked about the effects of Third Impact. Shinji's gaze darkened and he tried not to pay attention, but his ears instinctively wouldn't give him peace.

"Due to another drastic change in the axial tilt of the Earth, it seems the effects of Second Impact have been reverted. Instead we now have the polar opposite. Japan has been plunged into an eternal winter, but I'm sure you're all aware of this by now. The larger implication spans to agriculture. Of course in warmer climates near the equator it is still warm enough to grow crops, but many farms have dwindled and died out completely around the world. Most cold weather crops can thrive in conditions of four degrees celsius or higher, but in many places in the world temperatures have dropped far below that. Botanists are looking into alternatives…"

Did the teacher really have to do it again? Did he know? Was he mocking Shinji for how much he had screwed up? He knew it. Damnit, he knew it already. He didn't need all this-

The bell rang and the sound of chairs groaning across the floor filled the classroom. Shinji spotted Rei moving towards the exit. He followed after her.  
"Rei," He said, "Wait up."

The girl turned around and looked at him blankly.

"I was wondering. Do you want to come hang out with me and Takeda after school? I know you don't get out much anymore."

"I have a sync test later," Rei paused, "Sorry."

"No," Shinji sighed, "I understand."

Rei nodded and walked away. Reluctantly, Shinji went to his next class.

When the school day let out Shinji met Takeda in the foyer. The boy was methodically putting books into his bag.

"Takeda," Shinji said, "Ready?"

The boy looked at Shinji strangely, almost as if running calculations in his head on how he should answer. He shook his head, "Yeah. Let's get going."

Walking around Tokyo-04 was no sight for sore eyes. Many of the buildings, similar to the school, were grey, mundane, pillars that stretched like concrete monoliths into the sky. The two walked around aimlessly, looking for some activity to partake in, yet fearing that whatever they chose would just end up being a bore.

"Shinji," Takeda elbowed him lightly, "Let's go to the bookstore. I need to pick something up."

Shinji was somewhat surprised. All the time he had spent wandering the city and he never realized that a bookstore had even existed. He didn't see the need for such a thing in a world recovering from another nearly life ending cataclysmic event, but maybe that was just another instance of his misunderstanding. Sometimes what people desire is something to fall back on, a sense of normalcy to sustain themselves. The bell jingled as Shinji and Takeda walked in. It was dimly lit inside, to the point where the books looked the same color almost like rows of meaningless dialogues and texts one would find in a mock library. Only when Shinji got closer could he make out the names and titles.

Takeda hummed quietly as Shinji followed him, tracing his hands over the spines of the books in deeper thought than Shinji was used to seeing in the boy.  
"Ah!" Takeda exclaimed, "Here it is!"

Shinji craned his neck to see the text, "What is it?"

"Nature by Emerson," Takeda said, admiring the volume and smiling softly, "She liked this one."

"I've never heard of him."

"Me neither. Not until Riku put me onto him. He's got some great things. You should give him a read."

"I don't read much."

"Why not?"

"Never enjoyed it."

"Hmmph," Takeda shook his head, "I guess it's not everyone's cup of tea, I know it isn't mine."

Shinji's face turned to puzzlement, "Then why do you read him?"

"I don't know," Takeda's voice lowered to a more thoughtful tone, "I guess... I just like what he has to say. Sort of in line with my view of the world."

Takeda stared at the cover of the book with focused eyes. He noticed Shinji staring at him and the long awkward pause between the two and cleared his voice.

"Well, I got my thing. What about you?"

"I told you I don't read."

"Come on man- not just for yourself. Think about someone else."

Someone else… A light bulb went off in Shinji's head, but was promptly snuffed out. No… he couldn't… she wouldn't even… Shinji flexed his hand. What's the worst that could happen? He moved around the store, Takeda following him in curiosity. Shinji perused the books and ultimately found what he was working for. With a sigh, he pulled the text from the shelf and the two went to the cashier to check out.

It was raining outside, a light drizzle that rippled down their coats in soft streams of liquid. In the window of a restaurant across the street Shinji saw a couple, their faces close. The woman looked like she was about to lean in and kiss the man, but the distortions of the water on the glass turned their forms into a large blur of red- the color of their coats- like the dull light of a candle flickering amidst the darkness. He couldn't see anything then.

Takeda broke the silence, "I know it's raining out, but do you mind making one last quick stop with me?"

Shinji shrugged, "I've got nowhere else to be."

The two walked for a bit, finally arriving at a traditional Shinto shrine entrance. Shinji felt his pulse beat a little faster and his steps became more arduous.  
Shinji gulped, "Why are we here?"

"This is my stop," Takeda said and motioned with his hand, "Over here. Come on."

They arrived at a small, lean, and grey grave marker. It was rectangular in shape with the top pointing into a prism. It read, Riku Akechi.

Shinji's eyes widened in terror and he felt his breath get caught in his throat. The same nauseating feeling of passing by the river on his way to school crept into his stomach.

Takeda smiled softly, as if recalling a memory, "My big sister. She died before Third Impact. Brain cancer."

Shinji stopped shaking, his whole body untensed. He found breath returning to him. Takeda went down on one knee and pulled the book he had bought out of his bag. He placed it on the base of the stone grave, the water trickling down its coarse surface and pooling on the top of the cover.

"It's going to get destroyed by the rain," Shinji said.

"That's okay. As long as it remains here. It was one of her favorites. I'm sure she'll want to read it again."

Shinji didn't know what to say. Was he supposed to reassure Takeda? He seemed pretty calm as is… how should he-

"Sometimes I wonder why it wasn't me. I mean she was always the more serious one. A better student, less rowdy child, and not the class clown like me. I guess sometimes you can't control these things and they just sort of happen. Life has a way of mocking you like that."

"I'm sorry," Shinji paused and added, "For your loss."

"Well there's no reason to whine about it now. I'm sure Riku would get mad at me spending time out of my day to come drop off a book for her."

Shinji watched the boy in awe. Takeda talked so freely, so unrestricted, as if he was just letting out his stream of thoughts.

"When I visited her in the hospital she said to stop crying so much about her. She'd be angrier at me for not spending my time being happy then mourning her loss so I guess that's what I intend to do. It helps to make others feel good too," Takeda turned to Shinji, "I want to apologize again, for last week. I heard you've been through a lot… you know… as a pilot… I should've been more aware. Sorry."

"It's okay," Shinji sighed, "I… don't know what got into me…"

"I'm grateful for your acceptance," Takeda turned his gaze back to the grave, "I think people have this tendency to only look at the negative in life. I guess cracking a joke gets my mind off those things every now and then."

The two stood there in mutual silence amid the pouring rain. How could Takeda be so happy? So utterly gleeful all the time? Was he just naive and stupid? It didn't make sense to Shinji.

Takeda stretched, "Hey, but thanks for coming. It-"

"Shinji Ikari," A low baritone voice announced.

Takeda and Shinji turned to a group of three men in black suits with earpieces.

"Why-" Shinji started.

"You're out of your boundary. You are to return immediately to your residence. Come with us," One of the agents said.

"I'll see you tomorrow, Shinji," Takeda held up his hand in a solemn goodbye.

The ride home was quick, the specialized JSSDF operatives were efficient like that. They dropped him off at his complex and one of them walked him up to Misato's apartment.

"Don't do it again, Third Child. There will be repercussions," the man said.

Shinji nodded meekly and swiped his keycard. After throwing his bag on the living room couch and crashing on his bed he found himself too tired to cook, the rain having zapped all his energy. It was okay, Misato could just order out again. She was probably getting food with Doctor Akagi anyway, tonight was her late shift. He pulled his SDAT out and clicked the play button.

Nights like these were common. Before the guiding hand of Morpheus carried him off to the dream world he often found himself lying in bed, his unruly mind acting like a restless dog that wouldn't let him sleep. He wondered where his freedom had gone- or maybe it was never there to begin with. Even during his time at NERV no one had ever told him anything, simply, he was just their tool to fight. He didn't know when he stopped questioning his circumstances. It was easy to do as he was told if it meant he could grip whatever flimsy sense of normalcy he had back in the days of the Angel War. He came to the realization that despite his unusual circumstances, his life was always structured. Whether it was the lagom of spending unbearably hot days with his teacher, his time in Tokyo-03, or now in Tokyo-04, there was a cementing factor of daily ordeals that reinforced the fact in his head that he was still breathing.

It reminded Shinji of what his philosophy teacher said. Humans required some semblance of structure to operate. But the more structure one has, the more freedom they lose, he thought. The statement seemed contradictory in his mind. If someone floated in the vast infinities of null space without anything to properly evince their existence then they were not free. It was ironic, he thought, how the very word of "freedom" was in fact confined by its own limitations and meanings of human perceptions and subjectiveness. Freedom can only come from structure because without structure there is no freedom. The line between the two was a tightrope balancing act that needed to be delicately toed. Still, both ideas were codependent. If he gave himself a floor to walk on then he relinquished the freedom of being able to float, but found the ability to walk. Shinji rubbed his eyes, trying to wash the paradoxical tangent his mind had drifted to out of his head. It was no use. The orange hue of setting sunlight penetrating the skin of the ocean and Rei's blank face appeared before him. That place had no freedom or structure; it was just an amorphous body of minds being melded together. There, he didn't exist.

He rolled over to his side, moonlight spilling into his bedroom window in silver rays. Outside, the red halo of souls, illuminated by the waxing moon, cut across the sky like a jet stream of blood. Shinji turned again, choosing to face the wall. His eyelids felt heavy and his blinks grew more and more drawn out. His final thoughts drifted back to the bookstore. The book, he thought, maybe she would like the book.

* * *

Ritsuko absentmindedly circled the rim of her glass with the tip of her finger, "Something like that."

Misato frowned, "They let you drink on the job?"

Ritsuko continued to stare at the amber liquid, "Yeah… something like that…"

Misato sighed, leaned back and crossed her arms. The clean white cafeteria was rather empty due to most of the other technicians and scientists having already left work for the day. On the far end of the room, by the bar and the entryway to the kitchen, an azure blue insignia was painted on a door. A blue Japanese sparrowhawk flew rightwards in profile form, it's eye staring directly back at Misato. The word AUGE was printed on its wing, bending ever so slightly in accordance with the van's graceful form. Misato scoffed. Everything seemed like an attempt to get away from NERV nowadays.

The action got Ritsuko to look up from her drink, "What?"

"What do you mean 'what'?"

"You're going to be that way again with me?"

"What way?"

"If you got something to say- say it."

Misato shook her head and shifted her gaze to the bar.

"Come on," Ritsuko said, "You can drop the cold Katsuragi act."

"Don't you find this tiring? Where back here and nothing's changed. Feels like nothings changed. Sometimes I think I'm in purgatory."

"Well," Ritsuko turned around trying to take in their surroundings, "Lot's have changed. New walls. I must say the white is nice and really compliments the deep blue. Still surrounded by halfwits that barely know how to properly bioform tissue, though. And on top of that-"

"Enough," Misato said, "I get it."

"You at least got an increase in rank, Sub-Commander Katsuragi," Ritsuko mocked, "I'm still just the head scientist."

"Very funny. You act like that's a bad thing."

"Being the head of the metaphysics department?" Ritsuko laughed, "They only value my views regarding science, not anything else. And even then being a woman and working with mostly men... I wonder how much they actually listen to me."

Misato tapped her leg slightly and looked away. Ritsuko noticed.

"So what was it you were going to say?"

"I wanted to ask about your cats."

Ritsuko's eyes narrowed. She reached into her bag and pulled out a cigarette. She lit and inhaled. Then tapped the end of it lightly on the glass ashtray.

"What _about_ my cats?"

"Still around?"

"The old ones died during Third Impact. Their bones are probably buried underneath some rubble in an abandoned part of Tokyo-03. Got a few new ones."

"I see."

"Hmm?" Ritsuko perked up taking another hit of her cigarette, "What's that?"

"Oh, just that you already got a few new ones. Easily replaceable aren't they? Just go to the pound and-"

Ritsuko raised her hand, "First, they're not. Second, the pound? Are you kidding me?"

"They'd be trashy like their owner."

Ritsuko frowned and quickly snuffed the cigarette out on the ashtray. Her tone turned more serious than her usual cynical musing, "What's your issue?"  
Misato played dumb, "What?"

"Scolding me like that. Don't think I haven't noticed it. We've been around each other long enough."

"I don't know what you're talking about. I was just saying your cats are a lousy place holder for actual people-"

"And what would you know? Still getting wasted over memories of Kaji?"

Misato slammed her fist on the table and stood up. She moved immediately towards the door and waited a moment before leaving.

"You're a real piece of shit, you know that?"

Ritsuko gulped down the rest of her drink, "So I've been told."

The stars were already out when Misato left The Hub, littering the dark sky like an infant's overhanging crib orrery. The black standard issue sedan was a downgrade from her blue Renault Alpine 310. Shinji was probably already sleeping so getting food was up to her. Most of the small restaurants were either closed or closing for the night in Tokyo-04. Instant noodles would have to do. The artificial lights of The Hub glowed- fading in and out- against the inactive solar towers. It sickened Misato. The only reason the towers were there was to divert less energy from Tokyo-04's main electrical supply for EVA tests and other high power processes in The Hub. The cyclical nature of man, she thought.

Misato drove past the final gate that led into and from The Hub, waving goodbye to the man who sat gloomily reading a newspaper in the tollbooth. It was nice to not have to take a twenty minute elevator ride up to the surface just to then drive another twenty minutes to get home. Regardless, Misato found it a bit crude how Tokyo-04 had been formed. Formerly the city of Fukushima, the name had been thrown out and replaced to become the new capital. It was more a curse than anything- four cities sharing the same name and three of them in ruins. Becoming the new capital didn't sit well with most of the former residence. The creation of The Hub in the Northernmost region upset many people who would have rather seen the funds spent in other infrastructure.

A few blocks from her apartment Misato pulled into the parking lot of a convenience store, the neon light on the roof flickering and slightly skewed. She noticed an ever growing pile of trash bleeding out from the dumpster and trickling onto the sidewalk on the right of the store. Inside the cashier sat like a zombie watching the TV that played a soap opera Misato had never seen. She looked around the microwave food section for dinner. After finding what she needed, Misato walked around the corner, carrying multiple bags of ready noodles in her hands. A man in an orange scarf stood in line behind a man in a suit who pulled out his credit card.

"You work at AUGE?" The scarved man asked, eyeing the card.

Without turning around the other man responded, "Yes."

Only now did Misato notice the blue logo printed on it.

The man in the orange scarf tsked, "Damn scientist. You should stay in that Hub of yours. Your kind has done enough to the world already."

"I had nothing to do with that."

"Yeah, right. Doesn't matter, you're all the same," The man put his things on the counter and turned towards the door, "I'll take my business elsewhere if you serve people like him."

He stormed out of the store. Just another radical. Ignorance was always the easy way out. Much easier to blame a large group of people still around then a shadow organization of old men that had been unknown to the world. Misato placed her things on the counter and paid the man at the register.

At home she sat by herself at the wooden kitchen table, twirling her fork around the noodles in the white plastic casing they came in. She stretched her legs underneath and yawned. She remembered days like this spent with Shinji, smiling at him over a beer and a home cooked meal. The seat in front of her now was empty and the only sound was either her chewing or the low hum of the refrigerator. Sometimes she would even share these kinds of meals with Kaji, way back in the crazy days of college. Usually it was after their time in bed, the two of them sneaking blushed glances at the other while they grazed each other's legs with their feet underneath the table. Misato dropped her fork. Her food didn't seem so appetizing anymore.

Before going to bed she opened the door to Shinji's room.

"Goodnight, Shinji," She said, knowing he was already asleep. He did not stir.

Misato crashed on her bed and tried to push thoughts of paperwork and politics to the back of her mind so that she could quickly find sleep. The glow of the moon through the window created a stretched shadow of two lines that moved to the center of the wall opposite her bed. It was funny, she thought, how it looked like a cross.

To be continued…

* * *

Author's Note: Thanks for reading if you did! Lots of worldbuilding stuff this chapter through Shinji and Misatos' POVs, but don't worry Asuka and Rei fans, there will be much more of them in the next chapter. Make sure to leave a review with your thoughts (what you did or didn't like etc.) I'm open to all feedback. See you in the next chapter.


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